A Twist of Things to Come

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I had to respond to this, because I realized my answer might be ... atypical.

I never, ever hid anything I read from my parents. Ever. Now, my folks were not fruity/granola/permissive hippies, though they were of the right age to have been. No, my father was career military and my mother was very religious. I was very religious as well, but neither of us was religious in the sense that we feared ideas.

I went to Christian school, and my mother was called out by our pastor when he found out she had no set age when I would be allowed to date. All my peers were not allowed to date until age 16, while I was allowed to go out with boys as long as she knew them, knew their families, and knew where we would be, etc. Of course, had I ever lied about any of that, the privilege would have been revoked. Still, I went on a double date with my older sister when she was 16 and I was ten.

It was scandalous. Of course, I wasn't the only ten year old girl at the Christian school going to a movie with a boy. I was merely the only one whose mother knew about it. He kissed me at the end of the evening, and I decided boys were icky-pants, an opinion that held for about four years. I was right around sixteen before I went on dates again. About the same time some of my peers were getting married in dresses with spacious skirts. My mom took a lot of crap for that, about how horrible and wrong she was to allow such a thing. She'd nod and smile and say, "I guess we'll wait and see, won't we?" My mom had balls.

Same with books. The Christian school lit curriculum talked about Thoreau, but we were not allowed to read him. I asked my mother if I could read him anyway, and she laughed."You can read anything you want to, dear. You're smart enough to understand those ideas and make your own decisions."

I decided my Christian school curriculum had thoroughly misapprehended the thrust of Civil Disobedience, at least. I talked to my mother about why I thought so, and she smiled and nodded. I am so grateful to her for that support, that trust.

There was one book I didn't read in the presence of my mother, but she knew I was reading it. My older sister's Human Sexuality textbook. She was in her first year of her Master's program in psychology, and I was 16 and had a lot more questions about sex than the simple mechanics. It would have been perfectly okay for me to talk to my mother about it -- she was very open and forthcoming about such things -- but I just couldn't ask her. So I asked my sister (who did feel kind of weird talking about it). She gave me the textbook wrapped in a brown paper bag slipcover she'd made for it. My mother knew about it, but she didn't talk to me about because she knew it would embarrass me. I was sixteen and in my last year of High School.

"You might want to skip chapters 20 and 22," my sister said. "They have some disturbing pictures."

Guess where I turned first. Heh.

I am here to tell you that pictures of birth, pictures of drippy sores and so forth -- talk about bringing home the importance of protecting yourself! I went away to college absolutely impervious to smooth talk and manipulation. Not because of my faith and religious upbringing, but because I knew the results of every Masters and Johnson study done before I graduated high school.

This experience is one major reason I believe abstinence-only is counter-productive. Knowledge is power, and we are by nature curious creatures. Abstinence only=Bristol Palin. Real, honest information=Me. (I didn't have babies until I wanted them. (Notice I didn't say 'until I was ready' because readiness for parenthood is largely a myth, I think.) I've also never had an STD or an abortion.)

Information is only a threat to parents who do not (or cannot, for whatever reason) trust their children's judgment. I realize not all teens are as mature as I was, and I can't say whether that is a result of cultural/parental infantilization of our young people or whether some kids are just developmentally slower. My oldest is eleven, so I guess I'm about to find out. *shudder*