![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[Error: unknown template qotd]
I had to respond to this, because I realized my answer might be ... atypical.
I never, ever hid anything I read from my parents. Ever. Now, my folks were not fruity/granola/permissive hippies, though they were of the right age to have been. No, my father was career military and my mother was very religious. I was very religious as well, but neither of us was religious in the sense that we feared ideas.
I went to Christian school, and my mother was called out by our pastor when he found out she had no set age when I would be allowed to date. All my peers were not allowed to date until age 16, while I was allowed to go out with boys as long as she knew them, knew their families, and knew where we would be, etc. Of course, had I ever lied about any of that, the privilege would have been revoked. Still, I went on a double date with my older sister when she was 16 and I was ten.
It was scandalous. Of course, I wasn't the only ten year old girl at the Christian school going to a movie with a boy. I was merely the only one whose mother knew about it. He kissed me at the end of the evening, and I decided boys were icky-pants, an opinion that held for about four years. I was right around sixteen before I went on dates again. About the same time some of my peers were getting married in dresses with spacious skirts. My mom took a lot of crap for that, about how horrible and wrong she was to allow such a thing. She'd nod and smile and say, "I guess we'll wait and see, won't we?" My mom had balls.
Same with books. The Christian school lit curriculum talked about Thoreau, but we were not allowed to read him. I asked my mother if I could read him anyway, and she laughed."You can read anything you want to, dear. You're smart enough to understand those ideas and make your own decisions."
I decided my Christian school curriculum had thoroughly misapprehended the thrust of Civil Disobedience, at least. I talked to my mother about why I thought so, and she smiled and nodded. I am so grateful to her for that support, that trust.
There was one book I didn't read in the presence of my mother, but she knew I was reading it. My older sister's Human Sexuality textbook. She was in her first year of her Master's program in psychology, and I was 16 and had a lot more questions about sex than the simple mechanics. It would have been perfectly okay for me to talk to my mother about it -- she was very open and forthcoming about such things -- but I just couldn't ask her. So I asked my sister (who did feel kind of weird talking about it). She gave me the textbook wrapped in a brown paper bag slipcover she'd made for it. My mother knew about it, but she didn't talk to me about because she knew it would embarrass me. I was sixteen and in my last year of High School.
"You might want to skip chapters 20 and 22," my sister said. "They have some disturbing pictures."
Guess where I turned first. Heh.
I am here to tell you that pictures of birth, pictures of drippy sores and so forth -- talk about bringing home the importance of protecting yourself! I went away to college absolutely impervious to smooth talk and manipulation. Not because of my faith and religious upbringing, but because I knew the results of every Masters and Johnson study done before I graduated high school.
This experience is one major reason I believe abstinence-only is counter-productive. Knowledge is power, and we are by nature curious creatures. Abstinence only=Bristol Palin. Real, honest information=Me. (I didn't have babies until I wanted them. (Notice I didn't say 'until I was ready' because readiness for parenthood is largely a myth, I think.) I've also never had an STD or an abortion.)
Information is only a threat to parents who do not (or cannot, for whatever reason) trust their children's judgment. I realize not all teens are as mature as I was, and I can't say whether that is a result of cultural/parental infantilization of our young people or whether some kids are just developmentally slower. My oldest is eleven, so I guess I'm about to find out. *shudder*
I had to respond to this, because I realized my answer might be ... atypical.
I never, ever hid anything I read from my parents. Ever. Now, my folks were not fruity/granola/permissive hippies, though they were of the right age to have been. No, my father was career military and my mother was very religious. I was very religious as well, but neither of us was religious in the sense that we feared ideas.
I went to Christian school, and my mother was called out by our pastor when he found out she had no set age when I would be allowed to date. All my peers were not allowed to date until age 16, while I was allowed to go out with boys as long as she knew them, knew their families, and knew where we would be, etc. Of course, had I ever lied about any of that, the privilege would have been revoked. Still, I went on a double date with my older sister when she was 16 and I was ten.
It was scandalous. Of course, I wasn't the only ten year old girl at the Christian school going to a movie with a boy. I was merely the only one whose mother knew about it. He kissed me at the end of the evening, and I decided boys were icky-pants, an opinion that held for about four years. I was right around sixteen before I went on dates again. About the same time some of my peers were getting married in dresses with spacious skirts. My mom took a lot of crap for that, about how horrible and wrong she was to allow such a thing. She'd nod and smile and say, "I guess we'll wait and see, won't we?" My mom had balls.
Same with books. The Christian school lit curriculum talked about Thoreau, but we were not allowed to read him. I asked my mother if I could read him anyway, and she laughed."You can read anything you want to, dear. You're smart enough to understand those ideas and make your own decisions."
I decided my Christian school curriculum had thoroughly misapprehended the thrust of Civil Disobedience, at least. I talked to my mother about why I thought so, and she smiled and nodded. I am so grateful to her for that support, that trust.
There was one book I didn't read in the presence of my mother, but she knew I was reading it. My older sister's Human Sexuality textbook. She was in her first year of her Master's program in psychology, and I was 16 and had a lot more questions about sex than the simple mechanics. It would have been perfectly okay for me to talk to my mother about it -- she was very open and forthcoming about such things -- but I just couldn't ask her. So I asked my sister (who did feel kind of weird talking about it). She gave me the textbook wrapped in a brown paper bag slipcover she'd made for it. My mother knew about it, but she didn't talk to me about because she knew it would embarrass me. I was sixteen and in my last year of High School.
"You might want to skip chapters 20 and 22," my sister said. "They have some disturbing pictures."
Guess where I turned first. Heh.
I am here to tell you that pictures of birth, pictures of drippy sores and so forth -- talk about bringing home the importance of protecting yourself! I went away to college absolutely impervious to smooth talk and manipulation. Not because of my faith and religious upbringing, but because I knew the results of every Masters and Johnson study done before I graduated high school.
This experience is one major reason I believe abstinence-only is counter-productive. Knowledge is power, and we are by nature curious creatures. Abstinence only=Bristol Palin. Real, honest information=Me. (I didn't have babies until I wanted them. (Notice I didn't say 'until I was ready' because readiness for parenthood is largely a myth, I think.) I've also never had an STD or an abortion.)
Information is only a threat to parents who do not (or cannot, for whatever reason) trust their children's judgment. I realize not all teens are as mature as I was, and I can't say whether that is a result of cultural/parental infantilization of our young people or whether some kids are just developmentally slower. My oldest is eleven, so I guess I'm about to find out. *shudder*
contemplative
(no subject)
As for my kids reading, we both encourage them to read a wide range of things, from politics to fanfic to the classics. I know my 14 year old has read slash (not mine since I feel embarrassed with her reading my sexual stories) and I've asked her if she had any questions or wanted explanations of anything she might be uncomfortable with. She just rolled her eyes. They have sex ed in the schools and it's pretty comprehensive. I ask her what they cover and it seems they cover a lot.
However, the trust issue is also one where the child's personality comes into play. My oldest always asked permission first and never got into trouble with anything. My youngest usually asks for forgiveness afterwards rather than permission first (although she's gotten better with that) so I'm likely to watch her more carefully than I did her sister at that age.
(no subject)
(no subject)
I received thorough sex ed information both from my parents and from my school, where we had mock debates about abortion, abstinence, etc. And despite the information overload on sex--or perhaps because of it--I wound up sexually conservative. Didn't have sex until I was 18 (I told all my high school boyfriends up front that sex was off the table until I was 18, and not one of them lost interest after being told that), always used protection, had few partners, no unintended pregnancies, no STDs. So much for the idea that telling kids about sex encourages them to have more of it! This is one area where I think total frankness with kids is called for, and even though my kids are pre-puberty, I've had several talks with them (with Sean anyway, only one talk with Ethan) about sex already.
(no subject)
(no subject)
If parents want kids to wait for sex until they're married, etc., they need to teach the kid WHY and set a good example. But they also need to realize that children are individuals who must ultimately choose their own paths. Allowing them the freedom to make mistakes at a young age is far better than holding onto control until it is wrested away. In the latter case, stupid binge behavior results, as the kid celebrates finally having freedom to choose -- and choosing poorly.
(no subject)